I have a question: Have you ever needed to forgive someone, and you didn’t? Or have you ever wished somebody would ask you for forgiveness, and they didn’t? In either situation, you end up feeling pretty yucky about yourself, or about them, and it can lead to really broken relationships. It could lead to some big wounds in relationships that don’t get healed unless somebody has the courage to say they’re sorry. And that’s really what it’s about. It’s about being courageous enough to do that and taking responsibility for your own actions.
The reason we tend to not say we’re sorry – whether it’s you or the other person – is often because we’re embarrassed. We’re ashamed of our behavior, and we just don’t want to admit to it. It’s hard, and that’s the other thing. It’s hard to basically admit that we’ve done something wrong, something we’re not proud of. We struggle with that. We don’t like to do it, it’s uncomfortable and it means we did something wrong or bad. We didn’t respond the way we should have or we didn’t say what we should have or whatever.
So how do you deal with that?
If you need to say you’re sorry to someone, here is what I suggest. First of all, make a list of all the people that you feel you need to say your sorry to and then approach them, come from a really authentic place. You want to be honest and really admit what you did. You want to take responsibility. That first thing is to come from an authentic place from love, and caring, and honesty.
The second is to take responsibility. You want to be responsible for your actions. You don’t want to blame them, point the finger and say, “You made me do that.” Nobody can make you do anything. No one can make you feel hurt and like you have to have them come and ask for forgiveness. You choose how you feel. If you behave badly, then it’s up to you to admit that you behaved badly. So take responsibility for your actions. No pointing fingers.
Now, the third thing is to not feel as if they have to forgive you. You go and you ask for forgiveness and you say your sorry, but they do not need to forgive you. It’s not about them, this is about you. This is about you coming clean with yourself, and with them, and telling them how you feel and that you’re sorry. If they choose to not forgive you, you have to deal with that.
There is an old Jewish wisdom, a mystical wisdom that says that you need to ask forgiveness from somebody three times. If they haven’t forgiven you in the first time, you go a second time. If they don’t forgive you on the second time, you go a third time. If they don’t forgive you at that point, you release your obligation to make this right. You’ve done everything you could especially if you’re trying to rectify the situation in any way that you could. If you stole something from somebody that you give it back, you rectify the situation.
But now if they haven’t forgiven you after three tries, according to Jewish wisdom, the sin – whatever you did wrong – becomes theirs. This is not about saying, “I’m going to say I’m sorry three times and then it’s their problem. Then it’s on them.” That’s not what it’s about. This is about you getting clean – you saying your sorry three times and if they don’t forgive you, you just say, “I release this. This is now their issue. It’s their issue, not mine. I’ve done what I could to heal this, to say I was sorry, to rectify the situation.” And you move on. Again, it’s not about you. Forgiveness is not about them, it’s about you. Forgiveness is about you, you, you, not them.
Now, if they come and ask you to forgive them, the same thing applies. If you make them ask two or three times and you don’t forgive them, now this is your issue, not theirs.
I know it’s really hard when somebody does not ask for forgiveness or they doesn’t say their sorry to you. I’ve had some family members who are really bad at apologizing and it has caused some real issues in our relationships in the past. So you have to make a decision in those situations how you’re going to handle that. If you really feel somebody owes you an apology, you have to ask yourself how important that is to hang on to that need for an apology, because you can’t make them apologize. You can’t make them take responsibility. You can only be responsible for yourself and you’re choosing how you feel. Do you choose to go along feeling as if they need to come and ask for forgiveness? Or do you want to just let this go and move on? That doesn’t mean you have to continue the relationship with them, but hanging on to your hurt and your anger and resentment that they’re not saying their sorry is not going to help you any at all.
Think about that, think about how you can forgive others and how you can release your need to have others say their sorry to you and ask for forgiveness from you. Okay? This is all about freeing ourselves from past baggage, relationship baggage. Let’s let that go, and let’s move on. Let’s move on and create the things in our lives that we really want. I want you to have that peace and joy that comes from having released the past so that you can be present in the moment. Get really clear, develop some real clarity around who you need to forgive, who you feel needs to forgive you and do what you can to release that so that you can live your life more fully.
I’m Nina Amir, the Inspiration to Creation Coach. I’m an Author Coach and a Certified High Performance Coach, one of 300 elite Certified High Performance Coaches and what I do is I help people combine their purpose with their passion and when the two come up together, it’s like fireworks. And they get inspired, they get inspired to take action, action to create what they want in their life whether that is high performance, a new business, a better relationship, a better health, a more charged life. It doesn’t really matter what it is you want to create. I would love to help you do that. If you want to contact me, you can go to www.NinaAmir.com and you can email me from there. I would be honored and very pleased to help you get inspired and take inspired action. Until next time. Do exactly that. Go out and achieve more inspired results.