Trust is an interesting thing. Once it’s gone, it’s very difficult to regain. If you lose it, it’s difficult to find.
When you stop trusting someone-for whatever reason, you tend to put up a wall to protect yourself…or at least I do. Then I have to really work at letting them back in. They have to tear down the wall little by little. Or I have to open a door in the wall.
Sometimes, however, I find that if I open it even a crack…just to see what will happen…I’m given another reason not to trust. So I slam it closed again. (Sometimes that isn’t the case…)
The biggest problem with this issue of trust (of lack of trust) comes with the fact that it’s lonely on the other side of the wall all by myself. I’d love to throw a key over and make it easier for the other person to get in-sort of give them a “key” to what they have to do to regain my trust and open the door. Yet, I’m afraid to do that. So, I’m stuck alone and closed off.
Additionally, the wall tends to push against me, making me feel claustrophobic as it keeps my feelings and words and thoughts inside. I’m afraid to let them out. So, I can’t really be free…free to be me…to express myself.
Yet, for the most part, I’m a very trusting person. Until I’m given enough reasons…repeated reasons…not to trust. Why is it that I often can trust those I hardly know, but I sometimes find it hard to trust people I love the most? Maybe because those I care about most – love the most – have the greatest capacity to hurt me and to cause me to lose trust in them?
