Sorry for the long delay in posting. My website has been under construction, and we’ve had some trouble not only moving this blog but also converting it and all the old posts to WordPress. We should be up and running on a regular basis again soon.
While my web master and I have been struggling with an unknown problem that has stopped me from being able to import all my Blogger posts to WordPress — and I surely don’t want to leave all those old posts behind, I’ve also been struggling with the unknown in terms of my son. My last post was about him as well. Only then, we were getting his little light to shine. Now his light is dim again, but this time because he has been sick with an unknown illness. First we thought it was viral…then bacterial…then viral…then bacterial…then viral…now bacterial again. He went to camp — his favorite thing in all the world besides dancing — only to have to come home after 8 days and 3 days in the infirmary. He was home for 8 days, one of which was spent in the hospital. We even had a moment or more of thinking he might need surgery. Then, suddenly he was back at camp and seemed fine. Six days later, he was back home and sick again.
He rises with no fever. Then his temperature goes up. His eyes are red. His hands and feet have peeled. He has had pain in his hip. He has had a cough — it came, it went, it came again. We’ve seen an orthopedic doctor. We’ve seen an infectious disease specialist. It’s a mystery. We’ve done blood work, x-rays, MRIs. Nothing…well, a little anemia…then that was gone. A little problem with his kidneys…nothing to worry about. A little something called rickettsia, but we were told that wasn’t the problem. Now he’s being treated for microplasma with an antibiotic. His cough is better; his fever is higher.
As a mother, I spend my days and nights worried. I’m living in the unknown zone. It’s unknown, because I’ve never been here before. It’s unknown, because we don’t know what my son has. It’s unknown, because from day to day we don’t know what my son’s symptoms will be like.
And all I want is for my child to be healthy. I wanted him to go back to camp and enjoy his time there. He did. He came back sick. Now I want him healthy so he can start dancing again. I want him to be able to let his light shine. I want him to be okay…healthy, vibrant, able to do whatever he wants.
My sister has a daughter who has been ill since she was 11. She’s 24 years old. They have diagnosed her with all sorts of ailments and diseases. No one has found the original source of her problems. No I understand what my sister and my niece have been going through. They have been living in the unknown zone for 13 years. I don’t know how they have stood it.
I hate not knowing. And at times like these, although I pray, I have a hard time trusting. Fear finds a way to wiggle in to my mind and heart. And then I worry. I hate to worry. Worry does no good and creates no good. I try to be positive, to create with my thoughts, to do all I can to manifest answers and healing. But not knowing is so very difficult.
So, I can only see this time here in the unknown zone as a lesson in patience and trust. I have to trust the doctor to figure out what is wrong with my son. I have to trust that all of this has happened for a reason, including my son missing camp. I have to trust that not knowing right now in this moment is okay. I have to trust that soon I will know…that answers will come. I have to trust God…and not lose my faith.