“Stop taking everything so personally!” Has anyone ever given you that advice? They probably have if you often feel guilty when someone has a negative reaction around you, or assume their words or behavior are “your fault.” It’s time to stop assuming what they do or say has anything to do with you.
In all likelihood, their words and actions have nothing to do with you. So there’s no need to take them personally.
Why You Take Everything Personally
There is a reason why you think other people’s words and behavior are about you. Research indicates that taking things personally often stems from low self-esteem, insecurity, and a tendency to overthink. These factors lead you to misinterpret others’ actions or words, viewing them as personal attacks or reflections of your worth. Also, emotional sensitivity and past experiences can affect how you perceive people’s speech and behaviors.
Think about it… Suppose you don’t feel good about yourself and doubt your abilities or choices. In that case, you are likely to assume that someone who speaks angrily, gives you the silent treatment, or ignores you is doing so because they don’t like you or you’ve done something wrong.
Guess what…it isn’t true.
It’s Not About You
In fact, their words, emotions, and behavior are all about them…not you. These things simply demonstrate what is going on with that person. Even if they have reacted to you for some reason, their reaction is still about what is happening with them.
Let’s say your boss lashes out at you. You can assume that you did something wrong. However, it could be that you said or did something that triggered a memory and caused their anger.
Maybe they argued with their partner that morning, fear they won’t get the promotion they requested, or are stressed about a parent’s illness. You just happened to say or do something that brought up their emotions, which got channeled in your direction.
No matter what someone says or does—even in response to something you said or did—their behavior speaks volumes about what is going on with them…not you.
Consider a friend who gets angry at you seemingly for no reason. It could be they feel jealous of your success, compare their weight to yours and feel fat, or envy your relationship. None of that has anything to do with you.
Maybe someone ghosts you. You can spend days, weeks, and months trying to figure out what you did to cause them to want nothing more to do with you. Or you can choose to see their behavior as all about them—and a reflection on them, not on you.
Stop Trying to Make it Right
When you take things personally, you also tend to want to make it right. Since, in your mind, it’s all about you and your fault, you want to fix it.
I used to do this with my husband. He’d be angry or upset, and I’d assume I did something to cause his emotional upset. I’d try to make it right and keep asking if he was mad at me or what I had done. In the end, he would confess that he was stressed about work or sad about a death in the family.
I had a friend who ghosted me. She refused to tell me what I had done to cause her to suddenly back away. Ultimately, I realized her reaction was about her…not me. I didn’t know what I’d done wrong, and I’d done nothing intentionally. Therefore, nothing was my fault. So I could stop blaming myself.
Sometimes, you will do something that upsets someone else or causes them not to like you. Their reaction remains theirs; that part is on them. The reason for their upset lies within them.
However, in such a case, you must take responsibility for yourself and apologize or make it right. But this is only true if you know you did something wrong or hurtful. For example, if you forgot someone’s birthday and upset that person, you can—and probably should— apologize.
However, if they choose to see you as a bad friend because of that, don’t take that personally. That is their judgment call. That’s about how they see themselves (as someone unworthy of being remembered). You can’t control how they feel or view you.
You can only control yourself. You can try to do a better job of remembering birthdays—specifically theirs. Or you can admit to them and yourself that you are someone who doesn’t remember birthdays. Then, be okay with that. And know their issues around people remembering their birthday is not about you, but them. (Maybe their mother never remembered their birthday, so your forgetting triggered old emotions related to that childhood event.)
Stop Trying to Control Perceptions
It’s important to understand that you take everything personally because you want to control how people perceive you. And you think everything they do or say is about how they see you.
So, if someone says or does something you interpret as “They don’t like me or how I behave,” you want to control their perception. You want to make them like you.
However, you wouldn’t be concerned about their perception if you like yourself. You’d say, “What they think of me is none of my business. I’m happy with myself. That’s what matters.”
Anyway, you can’t make them like you. And their perception is their own. They may see you and your reaction to them and take it personally, but you are too busy taking their reactions personally to realize that.
The Result of Taking Everything So Personally
Ultimately, the result of taking everything so personally is always the same: you feel sh*tty about yourself. You assume you are to blame in some way. You perceive yourself as bad, wrong, not good enough, or at fault.
When that happens, you become obsessed with being good, getting it right, becoming good enough, or making it right. You get into a cycle of overthinking whatever happened, analyzing it repeatedly to determine how you could have done something…anything…differently.
You decrease your self-esteem even more and increase your insecurity. Imagine seeing someone react to you in a way you perceived as a personal attack on your character. Will you stand tall and proud of who you are? Or will you slump and try to hide your shame or guilt?
You know it’s the latter. Why? Because you decided someone else’s words or behavior were about you.
Grow up! You aren’t a baby anymore who believes the world revolves around you. You are an adult. Admit that not everything is about you. Indeed, sometimes things are about someone or something else. It’s not always personal.
Do that, and you will find it much easier to develop healthy relationships with others. More importantly, you’ll develop a healthier relationship with yourself.
Let Them
Finally, employ Mel Robbins’ “Let Them Theory.” If someone doesn’t like what you say or do or has a negative opinion of you, your goals, your relationships, your choices, or your way of showing up in the world, let them! Let them have their opinions and perspectives. After all, you can’t control how they perceive you, and that’s all about them.
Then, decide how you will intentionally respond. What will you do? Say, “Let me…” and follow that statement with an action you want to take. Maybe you say, “Let me forgive them,” “Let me remember that their opinion of me is no reflection on who I really am,” or “Let me choose to spend time with people who appreciate, rather than judge, me.” That’s about you…your choices. You can control yourself but not how others see or react to you.
When you stop taking everything so personally, you free yourself from guilt, low self-esteem, insecurity, overthinking, and constant worry about how you are being perceived. You regain your power and stop overreacting to other people’s emotions, words, and behaviors.
How would your life change if you stopped taking everything so personally? Tell me in a comment below. And please share this post with those who might benefit from reading it.
Image courtesy of pitinan.
