There’s a problem with pedestals. When someone puts you on one, inevitably you fall off. But it’s the person who puts you there that gets hurt.
I remember many years ago when I went to a week-long conference led by one of my favorite spiritual teachers. I had read every one of his books. I believed all of his teachings. I hung on every one of his words.
Then I watched him carefully. I noted he drank a fair amount of alcohol even though he preached about only taking healthy things into your body. He also couldn’t discuss one particular topic with the class without drinking. And despite the fact that he was married and had a small son, he flirted with the young girls and, for all I knew, had affairs with them as well.
I left the retreat feeling quite disappointed. This man was not who I thought he was. He wasn’t perfect. He didn’t walk his talk.
I told a friend about my experience, and she said, “Well, he’s been knocked off the pedestal you put him on. That’s for sure.”
Yet, he never knew he was on a pedestal. So, he never felt the fall. The only one who got hurt was me.
In fact, this man was just a man. He was human.
Gurus, artists, authors, movie stars, politicians…celebrities of all types…are just human. They are just doing what they love and what they are good at. They also struggle. They make mistakes. They live their lives—sometimes not so well.
We fuss over them. We make them more than they are. We make them extraordinary even though they are human. When they fail, we are surprised. We feel hurt and disappointed. They fall off the pedestal we put them on.
I’ve met a fair number of “celebrities.” They weren’t any different than me or you; they had just managed to achieve a higher level of success. As such, they are good role models, good mentors. On a pedestal, it’s hard to reach them. If you sit across from them—at the same level—it’s possible to learn from them and to get to know them.
As a new author, I thought fans—and “super fans,” as I called them—were great, but I quickly realized I didn’t want anyone to put me on a pedestal. I don’t belong there. I know these people will get hurt in the end. Falling off is inevitable. I’m human.
Do you want to be placed on a pedestal?
I can heavily relate to this currently. A few months ago, I met a man, and we hit off really well since we share many ideas and values. He is roughly 50 years older than me and has only a few people who still visit him from time to time. Recently, I’ve noticed that he always compliments me a lot and openly expresses how important this friendship/ form of mutual support that I give him is for him and that he does not want to scare me away or say something wrong. He is becoming a bit dependent on me, even though I never wanted that, but due to his age and disabilities, he isn’t able to just go out and make new friends. We both had our fair share of negative relationship experiences, and while he seeks a close, trusting connection like a hungry animal (I’ve been there and know that this expression is correct), I can feel that this is already feeling like a restriction on my autonomy. I know that I will hurt him eventually, and he does not even know it.
Seems to me you know what you need to do.
Yes, I know that I have to communicate my boundaries, or at least set them for myself. This has been hard for me in the past and still is difficult for me now, but it’s worth it and a great practice. I don’t have to always be available for him, and I also don’t have to always meet his (or others’) expectations all the time.
Exactly right! Good luck!