The World has Gone to Hell and Taken Our Kids With It

I know Jews don’t believe in hell per se, but today I would have to say that if there is a hell, the world has gone there and taken our kids with it.

Yes, optimistic me is feeling pessimistic, angry, sad…all those negative emotions. And no wonder. Not only did a senior at my children’s high school drown last week after drinking and then swimming in the ocean at 4:30 in the morning — his body has still not been found, but exactly a week later a freshman girl in my son’s class committed suicide. My daughter’s best friend committed suicide in exactly the same manner — by hanging himself — just under two years ago.

It sickens me — and breaks my heart — that my children have to deal with these senseless losses so early in their lives (which does not mean that I do not feel for these children’s parents; my daughter’s friend’s mother is a friend of mine). They never fully recover from the affects of these tragedies. My daughter is still struggling to get over the issues she developed after her friend’s death. I still think about the suicide of a friend of mine, even though it happened long after I left home and graduated from school.

Since yesterday, when we found out about the young girl’s death, I have been pondering the state of our world where our children feel the need to kill themselves when things go wrong. What have we done wrong? What have we as a society done to make teen suicide more prevalent than teen death by car accident? Something seems seriously amiss.

For example, think about how much pressure we put on our kids for so many reasons. Our kids are not allowed to be kids. When they want to play sports, it’s not long before they have to switch from doing so recreationally to doing so competitively. In fact, they can hardly get a spot on the high school soccer team in our town if they haven’t played on a competitive traveling team previously.

If they have dreams of going to college and playing a sport or simply of getting into a good college, they can’t just be average students. They can’t even be above-average students. They have to have better than a 4.0 average in school, get an almost perfect score on their SAT tests, complete 100+ hours of community service, get involved in school clubs or activities, and show that they can perform their sport or activity at an almost-professional level (or at least college level) prior to going to college. They also have to get experience in their chosen area of study before going to college, meaning getting internships or attending summer camps or intensive programs that give them a head start.

What happened to just being kids and following their hearts? What happened to down time, quiet time, reading a book, hanging out, being bored?

The worst part for me as a parent comes from the trickle-down affect. By this I mean the pressure I feel to help my kids succeed. For example, I don’t want them to miss out on college opportunities (meaning less choices) because they didn’t feel inclined to do their homework and, therefore got bad grades. So, I find myself pushing and pressuring them to do their work and study harder. I become the one stressing them out. I become just as bad as everyone else…just one more factor in the world going to hell and taking our kids with it.

Yet, all I really want is for my children to be happy. But what if they don’t get into the college of their choice, because I didn’t push them to get good grades? Or what if they don’t get into that elite dance program, because I didn’t insist they audition for that dance program rather than hang out with their buddies all summer? Then they’ll be unhappy.

It’s a quandary. Kids don’t always know what’s best for them. But neither do parents.

Each time I hear of another child who has committed suicide, each time I hold one of my children and console them as they feel the loss of a friend taken too early, I am reminded of what is really important: that our children feel loved, heard, understood, cared for, and able to pursue their dreams and find themselves. We have to simply support them and love them as best we can.

And then we must be supremely grateful for the gift they are and the opportunity we have to watch them grow.

Again, just as when my daughter’s friend died, I am backing off. I’m putting things in perspective.

Grades are not the be all and end all. Perfection never happens. My kids don’t have to be the best, the first or even better than they are right now. Passing is okay. Average is acceptable. Skipping an activity won’t stop them from succeeding.

I’m asking, “What does my child need most? How can I help him most? How can I support her most? How can I show him or her I love her? How can I help each child succeed, and what does success look like to each of them?”

I suggest every parent who reads this blog do the same. Step back. Put everything in perspective, and above all else let your child know you love him or her.

Don’t be part of the problem. Be part of the solution. Don’t help send our kids to hell. Instead, bring them back to life. Let them experience life as heaven on earth to whatever extent possible. Sometimes heaven can be found in someone’s arms, and every kid needs a hug now and then.

I forget that sometimes…too often. I’d hate that it takes another parent’s loss to remind me of these things. However, I’m glad to be reminded and to have the chance to try my hand at being a better parent to my children.  

And keep an eye on your kids. Don’t let them have the opportunity to do things like be out in the middle of the night…or early in the morning…drinking and swimming or drinking and driving or having sex too young or doing drugs. Pay attention. Talk to them. Get them to talk to you. Notice their friends. Do the hard things…Don’t take the easy way and just assume your kids are okay and doing the right and safe things, making good choices. Assume they aren’t…and then go and make sure they are.

Last night I went to my son’s room to check on him as he slept. I was so grateful to hear his steady breathing. Be grateful for your children, especially if they are safe and sound. Help keep them that way. Create a heaven for them in your home and in your relationship with them. Help them escape the hell they often find themselves in. Let the world go to hell if you must, but don’t let the world take your kids to hell with it.

Believe me, I’m no perfect parent, but I’m sure as hell going to try and create a bit more heaven for my kids in as many ways as I can. Some parents are going to bed tonight wishing they had a second chance to do just that. If you, like me, have that chance, take advantage of it.

I hope the children who have taken their lives or who have died so needlessly and at such a young age find peace. Judaism does not paint a pretty picture of what happens to souls who take their own lives. I prefer to think that even these troubled souls, these young souls who may not have had enough life experience to know the consequences of their actions, are able to find forgiveness and peace in the afterlife. So, I pray: May they find heaven, or Gan Eden, the closest concept to Heaven that exist in Judaism. May their memory be a blessing to those who remain behind. May their parents and their friends find ways to get past their pain and find blessing in their memory.