5 Tips to Help You Start Speaking Up for Yourself

For years, I felt like I was wearing a muzzle. No one had tried to silence me. I chose to wear it, so I couldn’t speak up. But these days, there’s no muzzle to be found. I tossed it in the fire and burned it. And now I speak up for myself…always.

What about you? Have you got something to say but aren’t saying it? Are you speaking up for yourself? Or are you gagging yourself instead?

My Big Mouth

I used to always speak up. For example, I would complain to my children’s principal about tests given on Jewish holidays. And I would ask to talk to the restaurant manager when the service or food was sub-par. And I would tell my friends, husband, or co-workers what I thought and felt without hesitation.

I guess I learned this from my mother. She’s always been enormously outspoken—to a fault.

I wouldn’t say I was that bad, but being outspoken and honest was one of my strengths, even if it sometimes got me in trouble.

Becoming Mute

Then, I went mute—not in all situations, but definitely with my husband and even with some friends and family. Sometimes, I rationalized that being quiet was easier…even better. Other times, speaking up put me in situations I didn’t like or want to be in. So I began avoiding these consequences.

For instance, my husband’s reactions when I shared how I felt, what I wanted, or what I thought became uncomfortable. Sometimes my outspokenness caused us to have arguments. But, generally, what I had to say—especially if it was about him—was not well received. (Surprise, surprise.) But neither were my attempts to speak up for what I wanted or needed.

So, I stopped speaking up. I figured it was better to keep the peace than to create stress and division. Maybe it wasn’t actually better, but it was easier and more comfortable to keep all those thoughts and feelings unexpressed.

These days, I don’t recommend that choice.

Swallowed Words are Unhealthy

Not only did swallowing my words not help my marriage, but this behavior also became habitual. As a result, it caused issues with other relationships, too. I developed massive resentment toward my literary agent, for example. And I stopped speaking openly…if at all…with one of my sisters.

Mostly, though, this choice harmed my relationship with myself. By remaining silent, I stopped being my strongest advocate. I stopped taking care of myself.

After all, if you don’t speak up for yourself, who will?

The more often I remained silent, the more I lost faith in my ability to take care of myself. Plain and simple, I didn’t have my own back.

Plus, muzzling myself harmed my emotional and physical health. As a result, I ended up with various health issues, some more serious than others.

You see, not speaking up causes a high level of stress. And stress wreaks havoc on your body.

Time to Speak!

One day, I decided, “Enough is enough.” This decision came after one of my coaches told me to focus on speaking up for myself for three months. No more swallowing words. I had to say what was on my mind and heart.

So, I committed to doing just that. And I kept my word to myself.

It hasn’t been easy, and I had to move through my fear. Sometimes it didn’t go as well as I would have liked, but the more often I speak up, the better I feel about myself. My relationships are improving as well.

I’m showing up as myself again. I feel authentic and honest. Plus, I’ve got my back, and that feels amazing.

5 Ways to Start Speaking Up For Yourself

If you want to start speaking up for yourself, stop doing these five things.

1. Stop the habit of remaining quiet.

This tip seems pretty obvious; however, you probably don’t realize that you habitually swallow your words. Your consistent silence is no different than habitually drinking coffee or eating ice cream. It’s a habit, and you need to break it.

How do you do that? First, decide to be a person who speaks up. Then, you will align your behavior with that identity. A person who speaks up speaks up!

2. Stop overthinking

I bet you mull over what you want to say for hours and hours. And then you engage in a painfully long inner dialogue about how you shouldn’t speak up. This includes thinking about all the things that could go wrong if you speak your mind. Finally, you conclude that it’s best to put a gag order in place.

After that, your mind berates you for staying silent. You think about how you wish you had, would, could speak up for yourself.

I used to do the same thing. But all that overthinking only makes you miserable. So stop that, too.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t think through what you want to say. That’s often a good idea…but not for hours or days. Instead, spend a little time considering how best to vocalize what you want to say. Then speak!

And if you didn’t speak up and regret it, choose a “redo.” Go back and say what you wanted to say.

3. Stop putting other people’s emotions first.

When you tell yourself you shouldn’t speak up because it will make someone else feel angry, sad, overwhelmed, stressed, not good enough, criticized, or whatever, you make their feelings more important than your own. Plus, you make them more important.

In the process, you tell yourself you and your emotions are less important. You also prove to yourself that you don’t have your back.

You may think you are being kind and thoughtful. Actually, you are demonstrating a lack of love for yourself.

Yes, you should consider the other person’s feelings. But consider yours, too.

And remember this: you can’t make anyone feel anything. What people feel is a choice. So stop feeling bad about their reactions to what you say.

4. Stop being worried about what others will think of you.

Here’s another thing to remember: what someone thinks of you is none of your business. And if you speak up in a manner that is authentic and honest but not hurtful, trust that you have done the right thing for yourself. You have been authentic and honest.

And here’s another little tip: other people’s reactions to your words says more about them than about you.

So speak up. And let the people who don’t get you, don’t like you, or can’t deal with your honesty fall away. They aren’t your people.

Your people will listen, hear, and accept your words. They may not always agree with or like them, but they will not think less of you for having spoken. On the contrary, they will respect you for speaking up.

5. Stop focusing on the negative outcomes you don’t want.

You probably don’t speak up because you are afraid something terrible will happen if you do. I’ve mentioned many of these adverse outcomes already. For instance, people:

• won’t like you.
• will react negatively.
• will get emotional.
• will criticize you.
• will judge you.
• will reject you.

You can add to the list if you like.

Here’s the thing, though: the more you focus on the negative outcomes, the more you attract them into your life. Plus, you are more likely to stop speaking up simply to avoid those outcomes.

Instead, focus on the positive outcomes you desire. This may or may not change other people’s reactions, but you increase the likelihood of achieving different results.

One Thing You Must Start Doing

I’ve just shared five things to stop doing if you want to speak up consistently. However, there is one thing you must start doing as well.

You must love yourself enough to speak up for yourself. When you truly and completely love yourself, you will stand up for yourself. You will tell people what you think, feel, and want.

Each time you don’t speak up, though, you affirm that you don’t love yourself enough to do that for yourself. I know this might sound selfish, but there are times when the most loving thing you can do is put yourself first.

Being Myself Again

In addition to the other benefits of speaking up for myself, I feel like myself again. Each time I speak up, I become the person I was before I decided to remain silent. I become courageous, strong, and committed to caring for and loving myself.

As long as you stay quiet, you are hiding your true essence. You aren’t showing up authentically.

It’s time to be yourself—honestly, fully, and powerfully, is it not? I know it is for me.

Do you speak up for yourself? Tell me in a comment below. And please share this post with a friend who needs to break the silence habit.

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Photo courtesy of Bermix Studio.