This past Friday night, Shabbat, I celebrated my 21st wedding anniversary. A lot of people congratulated me.
I suppose it represents some sort of feat to stay married that long. However, it seems to me that someone should be asking what my marriage is like after all those years. It’s a feat to stay married if the marriage remains a good one — loving, strong, happy, fun, caring, supporting — after all those years.
I hate to admit it, but I can’t say ย my marriage is all those things right now. The financial stresses of living in California have taken their toll on our relationship, as have the stresses of raising four children. My husband’s job has taken it’s toll on him. As we have revolved our lives, meaning all our free time, thoughts, energy, and attention, around our two biological children and our responsibilities, we have stopped having much in common other than our children and responsibilities. And we have stopped sharing some very fundamental spiritual and metaphysical beliefs.
So, what’s to celebrate after 21 years? Have we accomplished anything? Actually, I think so. While many other couples would have long ago parted ways, we remain together. The feat we have accomplished is that, despite everything, we still love each other and harbor hope that we can work it out, that we can get past this rough patch and to smoother seas. Speaking for myself, when all is said and done, I still simply want to be with my husband. I don’t want to start over…I just want to renew my relationship with my husband. Once, it was the relationship I wanted. I want it to be that again.
Can I do that? Can I renew my marriage and have it once again by the relationship of my dreams? I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. It’s possible. I have hope.
However, to hit the 21 year mark and to still be discussing ways to make things work rather than ways to get the hell out of the relationship is at least something to celebrate, I suppose. To be able to acknowledge the problems, to feel regret that they are there…that’s something; that’s more than a lot of couples have after all these years.
It’s a continued commitment, a commitment to keep on trying.
How many couples simply stop trying…or never bother to try when the relationship hits a rough patch? Millions. That’s why the divorce rate is so high.
Marriage takes work. Relationships go through cycles. People go through tough times. They fall in and out of love. However, if couples simply walk away each time something goes a bit awry, they’ll never be there when the bad cycle turns back into a good one, when their partner’s tough time becomes an easy or good time, or when they fall back in love again.
I’m not advocating sticking out a marriage that is dead and over, mind you. I am saying…work it. Work at it. Give it more chances than it deserves. Allow it to cycle, like the moon. Give your partner the same support and space you would want if you were struggling. Allow your spouse to find his or her way back. Allow yourself to find your way back. You might be surprised to meet each other again right there in your own marriage. And that marriage might last another 21 years.
I’m taking my own advice, and I hope my marriage will, indeed, last another 21 years or more.
