More often than not, we create change from extreme unhappiness or discomfort. We seek transformation out of necessity. On the other hand, when we feel happy or comfortable, we need heightened desire to drive us toward change. However, if that desire isn’t strong enough, we won’t do anything differently…and we and our circumstances remain the same.
As a Certified High Performance Coach and Transformational Coach, I know there is always room to grow, do better, and be better. In fact, striving to reach our goals or rise to our aspirations makes life worth living. And it helps us realize our potential.
Recently, though, I realized that I had stopped pushing myself to change.
I was living a comfortable life, but it could have been more than comfortable. I was happy, but I could have been happier.
Yet, I wasn’t stretching, growing, or reaching for something “more.” I wasn’t uncomfortable or unhappy, so I didn’t bother striving or pursuing a better life…a life that fed my soul.
I teach people to do that—to fulfill their potential, pursue their passions, and live soul-aligned lives. But I had plateaued. With little need and low desire, I let myself stay the same.
That wasn’t the case so long ago.
Unhappiness and Discomfort Drive Change
I spent a decade unhappy in my marriage. I didn’t want to stay in the marriage unless my husband and I could find a way to be happy together. If we couldn’t, I needed to become someone who earned more money, which equated to more success with my programs and books.
Out of necessity, I enrolled in an intensive personal growth program. I truly believe it saved my marriage. I changed. Then, my husband changed, and so did our relationship.
Yet, I had to become so miserable and uncomfortable in the marriage that I knew I had to find a way to either improve the marriage or develop the courage and ability to get out of it.
Similarly, I experienced a four-year writing slump. I’m a writer and author. I write and publish. But I wasn’t doing that.
I became extremely unhappy and frustrated with my lack of motivation and unwillingness to overcome my insecurity and fear of seeking a new literary agent or publisher.
As an Author Coach, I spend much of my time helping aspiring authors overcome these same challenges and take action toward their writing and publishing goals. I know how to move people through the obstacles I faced.
When I started feeling like an imposter, my discomfort became greater. I even stopped Author Coaching. At the same time, I became increasingly unhappy with myself for being so stuck and unwilling to push through my fear and doubt.
So I applied what I know. I coached myself.
As a result, I stepped back into my identity as a confident, successful writer and author. I submitted a proposal to a publisher. I reached out to an agent.
It didn’t feel easy, as it had in the past. But I did it despite the fear and discomfort. I stretched and changed, because it was the only way to get back to writing and publishing my work. And at my core, I am a writer.
As a result, the publisher released my book in January 2026—Change the World One Book at a Time—and an agent began pitching another book project. I’m even working on another manuscript and a revision of How to Blog a Book, which I plan to self-publish.
But why did I have to get so unhappy and uncomfortable before I changed?
Your Brain Doesn’t Want You to Change
Your brain doesn’t want you to change. It prefers you keep things the status quo—even if that is uncomfortable and makes you unhappy. Your brain sees any change as scary… life-threatening, even.
That’s why your self-talk keeps telling you to ride it out, put up with the circumstance, or bite your lip and suffer through. It will say you can’t change, haven’t changed, won’t change…so why bother trying?
That makes change extremely difficult. You have to basically force yourself to do something different—unless your sense of necessity, discomfort, or unhappiness becomes too much to bear.
Change from a Place of Desire
When your desire increases, though, change becomes more possible. The more you want something, the more likely you are to do whatever it takes to get or create it.
No desire-to-change or desire-to-action quotient exists. And desire alone isn’t enough to make you take action or change in ways that help you get what you want.
That said, when you have a strong desire, it becomes easier to get your brain on board and convince yourself to do something different…anything different…to fulfill it.
Let me use another personal example. Although my marriage is pretty solid, my husband and I both have a fairly high desire to make it better. We’d like to have more fun together and more intimacy. But our habits—including being homebodies and staying busy with work—make that difficult.
This is not a situation where either of us is extremely unhappy. And we definitely live within our comfort zones. That means doing anything differently, like changing our habits, feels uncomfortable.
We still need to push ourselves to change. Speaking for myself, my brain still tells me it’s unsafe to change. My self-talk gives me plenty of reasons to keep things as they are.
But I want things to be different. I desire them to be better.
And so, I can decide to stretch out of my comfort zone. For instance, I can plan fun activities, like an afternoon at the theater, or initiate a romantic evening.
Is that easy for me? No. Does my desire to improve my relationship with my husband make it easier? Yes.
The only way I can get what I want is to act on that desire. I must move through my fear, do and be different, and allow the end result to be the carrot that leads me forward.
In the end, letting my desire fuel change is much more pleasant than requiring extreme unhappiness and discomfort to make me act.
How to Increase Your Desire to Change
Typically, people don’t want to change—even to create what they desire or improve circumstances they don’t like. Even with my coaching background and experience, I don’t always want to change.
I find an “end-of-life” perspective helps. I ask myself: If I were on my deathbed, would I regret not changing?
The answer is almost always “yes.” That makes pushing myself to change a no brainer.
My husband had a stroke four and a half years ago. I often consider the fact that he is at increased risk of having a heart attack. That makes me more inclined to do my part—change myself—to improve our marriage now…not later.
Of course, his stroke also made me afraid to get closer to him…to be happier. Yet, I want to know that I loved him fully and enjoyed our relationship as much as possible, so I don’t regret not having done so.
The same is true when it comes to writing and publishing my books. I don’t know how long I will live; I could die tomorrow. I don’t want to die with my books unwritten and unpublished. I would regret that.
The following 10 questions tend to move my clients toward action. Answer them, and see if doing so increases your desire to change.
- If you don’t change, what will your life look like in 1, 3, or 5 years?
- If you change in ways that let you create what you desire, what will your life look like in 1, 3, or 5 years?
- What becomes possible if you change—even though you don’t have to?
- Would you prefer to change only when you become so unhappy and uncomfortable that you feel as if you have no choice but to do something different? Or would you rather change because you want something badly enough to move out of your comfort zone?
- At the end of your life, will you regret not changing in ways that allow you to reach your goals, create what matters to you, and reach your potential?
- Is it worth getting uncomfortable and stretching to create what you desire?
- What do you gain by remaining unhappy and uncomfortable?
- What do you gain by changing in ways that allow you to be happy and create a life you love?
- Your brain says changing is dangerous. Do you believe that’s true? Will you “die” if you change, and have you ever found yourself in harm’s way by becoming a better version of yourself?
You can choose to change to create what you desire. Or you can wait until your circumstances force you to change. The first option is always easier and more pleasant.
Have you ever changed so you could create what you desire? Or do you typically wait until you feel forced to change to get what you want? Tell me in a comment below. Please share this post with those who may benefit from reading it.
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