Over the last two weeks I’ve spent a lot of time with my daughter preparing her for college and helping her deal with leaving behind a boyfriend she cares about deeply. These two teens maturely choose to end the relationship to allow each other freedom while they live on opposite coasts and experience life in college. I’ve also been helping my son figure out where he will continue his dance training this year, and I’ve been listening to his pain over a summer relationship that ended in much the same way as my daughter’s only his girlfriend has very quickly moved on to a new boyfriend.
In the midst of this, I’m struggling to acclimate myself into my own life and marriage after almost two months way with my son. I’m also attempting to find meaning and purpose in all that I do as I find that I have lost myself and much of what has made me feel passionate and happy over the years.
Midlife crisis? Maybe. Possibly just a reality check.
The emptiness I have been feeling was driven home as I watched my children so filled with emotion–sadness, fear, excitement, sorrow. They are leaving things behind and staring anew. They have their lives stretched ahead of them. They are growing and changing. So much awaits them.
As I cried with them, felt their pain and sorrow, trembled at their fear, I realized their emotions resonated so much with me because I wanted to feel as passionately…about anything….about something…about someone.
I haven’t read or seen Eat, Love, Pray, but I recently saw the movie trailer. I cried my way through that, too. I realized I must go at least see the movie. (I won’t give myself the task of buying another book I have no time to read…) I am that woman…well, maybe not in all ways, but in many. No wonder the book was such a big hit; how many women related to the story?
This week I got out my Tony Robbins 30-day tape series once again. I’ve never once finished it. I only completed one tape this week, but I’ll plug away at it and allow him to try and motivate me to change. On that first day, I swore I’d exercise more; I only managed one day. I will do two next week at least, and even one day is better than none. I promised myself I’d write more often (on my books), and I didn’t manage to do so even once…but I will! I will.I started reading Byron Katie’s Loving What Is, which has been on my shelf for years. Maybe her questions will help me stop struggling. I also put one of the spiritual books I started a while ago on my nightstand…
The Jewish High Holy Days are fast approaching. This is a good time for introspection and considering how to improve oneself and one’s life as well. The energy of change is in the air in the autumn. It’s time to turn over a new life and to turn back–to return–to your true self, your best self. That’s what I need. I’ve almost forgotten who she is.
I may not follow through with all of these new “programs”; of course, I have too many and not enough time for them all. Maybe one of them will inspire me…or even two. Maybe something will stick and help me create some change or spark a bit of passion within.
Change comes little by little. It’s a process. But when we realize it’s time to make a change, we must follow the call. We must DO something to help it along, to fan the fire so it doesn’t smolder and go out.
I see the changes in my children’s lives–even the painful ones. I’m willing to even feel pain, but change must come. And change always begins within. The time has come.
Has it come for you?