Remember that old song, “Can’t live, when living is without you. Can’t live, can’t live any more!” I don’t know who sang it, but today the words are running through my mind with a slight variation on the words. “Can’t live, when living is focused on you.”
Yeah, that’s right. I admit it. I’ve been so damn focused on where my husband “is” right now with his spiritual path (or lack thereof) and his attitude towards life and his beliefs about God and about life, that I’ve not been living my life at all. In fact, I’ve been miserable. And I’ve been making him miserable. And I’ve been making our relationship miserable.
I’m a total believer in the fact that what we focus on expands. I know that when I am thinking about red convertibles, I definitely see more red convertibles on the road. Even if I’m not “creating” them, I’m more aware of them. In my own perception, I perceive more of them. It’s now different in my relationship experience and in my life experience. The more I focus on what I don’t like about how my husband is living his life and about how he is thinking and what he is believing, the more aware I become of all of this. And the more upset I become about it. And the more I see of it, and the more miserable I become. And that surely does not lead to me living my life fully at all.
So, while I was walking with a friend today, she basically told me to let my husband have his own spiritual path. She said he might not look like he’s on one right now, but his questioning and his disbelief might really just be one stop on his spiritual path. She reminded me that consciousness and spirituality are all about questioning and reevaluating and coming to new understandings of our beliefs. So, if he is angry and feeling like a victim, if he want to shout at God or not believe in God, if he wants to not believe in anything right now, maybe that is just part of his spiritual path. Maybe, like Jacob, he is wrestling with God right now, or needs to. And, she said, I should be compassionate and loving until he finds his way or comes to a new understanding.
Okay. Got it. I’ve been one complaining, unhappy, judgemental, impatient wife (there’s another word I could use, but I won’t.) — and not too spiritual either. And I’ve been spending all my time focused on him rather than on me, focused on what I perceive as not working, not right, not what I want rather than on what is working, what is right what is working.
Time to focus on what enlivens me, on what brings life into our relationship, on what helps me live fully. Maybe in the process, it will help him do the same. In either case, I’ll stop singing the blues.