Even now, I really should be out taking a bike ride before the sun starts to go down. I don’t have to meet anyone or anything like that. In my mind, however, I had it planned to take a bike ride around 3:30. It’s 3:32, and I’m just starting on this blog post. Why? Because I want to get it written before I go–and while the house is quiet. Soon my family will storm in. That means I’ll be on my bike racing against the setting sun rather than enjoying the sun.
Most days I’m racing somewhere in my car rather than getting their leisurely. I never prepare to go somewhere leisurely; I’m always running late.
Every day it’s the same story. I’m squeezing in one last thing at the last minute…and then I’m late and apologizing to someone. It’s horrible really.
I asked myself why I do this to myself (and to others). I came up with a few reasons, but, honestly, I’m still struggling with this issue. Here are the few answers I came up with:
1. This is a birth pattern for me. My mother induced labor with me for convenience sake. She had two other children and wanted me to arrive at a convenient time–when the other kids had childcare already arranged. I’m fighting against being induced to go or do anything I don’t really want to do.
I don’t want t do or go anywhere. Well, I just want to stay home and write and work on my own projects. I don’t want to do the other stuff.
If I’m late, people get mad at me or think poorly of me. This allows me to perpetuate my belief that I’m unlikeable–or to give people a reason not to like me.
I don’t want to show up. By this I mean, I don’t want to be seen in the world. If I stay home, I don’t have to play in the world and have people see me and who I am. I can hide away at home. This is especially true when I have to speak or teach. Many times I arrange these engagements, but I am still resisting. I’ve induced myself, and then I fight back and don’t want to show up. I don’t want to play big.
When it comes time to leave the house, I suddenly think I haven’t done enough; so I try to do a few things prior to leaving–a few extra emails, a load of laundry, clean up the kitchen–to get approval from those people who matter to me and who might disapprove of me otherwise. This makes me late.
Do my reasons for being late ring true for you? Do you have reasons of your own you’d like to share? I’d love to hear them. I’m sure I have more reasons…unconscious ones, too. I’ll be working on this…trying not to be late. Exploring some of these reasons helps; sometimes just having a better idea of why we act the way we do helps us change our behavior. Bringing those reasons into our consciousness from or unconscious mind helps, too.
On that note, I’m off for that bike ride. I might be able to get it in.