Sometimes it’s difficult to have hope and faith. In the fact of my daughter’s best friend’s suicide, it seems nothing makes sense and the world appears dark and dreary and full of unfulfilled dreams. Hope and faith have left me like the breath left this young man. Me – Ms. Positive Thinker – suddenly feels drawn into the depth of depression and negative thoughts. And as my thoughts go, so does my ability to manifest what I desire.
I’ve seen the product of this week’s malaise clearly this week. My work seems at a standstill. Most possibilities of success have disappeared. I’m questioning who I am, what I am and what I do.
I was working on changes for my web site, and I suddenly thought to myself, “Does this represent who you are at all? Maybe it is time to get really clear about who you are.” But who am I? I don’t know right now.
Maybe what I am most at this moment is simply a mother, distraught over the pain my daughter finds herself coping with as she faces life without her dearest friend, a mother torn by the grief and despair of another mother whose son senselessly took his life leaving her behind to wonder why and to deal with her loss.
And I’m a writer. So, it’s time to begin writing again. It’s time to go back to my roots. It’s time to be the person I do know I am, to do what I know I can do adn do well.
I’ve been so caught up in doing all the things the publishing industry requires me to do in order to get published that I’ve stopped doing what I do best – writing. And I’ve been so caught up in the desire to publish a book that I’ve stopped seeing how I can influence and help others by using my journalistic ability to write articles.
Plus, in my attempt to get my own work published, I’ve stopped focusing on my ability to help other writers get published. I’ve turned away non-fiction editing work that would not only have allowed me to give the gift of a finished manuscript to another writer, which allows them to help others, but to help my family stay out of the financial hole in which we now find ourselves.
I was told that I could be the Suze Orman of Jewish women’s spirituality. Is that who I want to be? I’m not sure. I’m not creating that reality, that’s for sure, and that begs the question, “Am I not creating it, because it is not my path and my destiny?” Or “Am I not creating it, because I’m not applying the principles I know and teach? Do I need to practice what I preach?” Or “Am I not creating it, because it isn’t really what I want?” I don’t have the answers.
The only thing I know at this moment is that I don’t know. I don’t totally understand. The senseless loss of life has left me – and my husband – reevaluating who we are, how we live our lives and where we are going in this life time. I suppose that’s good. Of course, something good comes from everything – even tragedies – even if we can’t see that good initially. At least we have to trust and hope that this is so.
It this event has offered me a chance to give – to give support to the bereaved mother and her family, to give support to my child and to give advice to those trying to console their grieving children. I’ve wanted to move into a place of giving – and of recieving in order to give – and this has offered me that opportunity. Again something good comes from something bad.
May all affected by this tragedy find that little bit of light in the darkness and may it grow little by little until their lives are filled with light once again.