My marriage changed the day I changed. When I changed on the inside, my outside circumstances changed as well. If you aren’t changing, which means engaging in personal growth, neither will your relationship.
My marriage was failing. I felt certain it could be saved if my husband did one thing: change.
In my mind, fixing the marriage hinged on his habits and mindset. The only problem was he didn’t want to change. He saw no reason to do anything different.
“You are more committed to staying the same than saving the marriage,” I told him. That was true.
But he could have said the same thing to me.
I wasn’t changing either. I was firmly entrenched in my habits and mindsets. I wanted my husband to change but wasn’t willing to do anything different…to “be someone different.”
I Wasn’t Changing
Instead, I spent much of my time harping about the fact that he wouldn’t “be” different. To be honest, I’d been doing this for years.
I habitually complained about him to anyone who would listen. I focused on his unwillingness to change or see the need to change. I resented him for being who he was and not loving me enough to change. And I blamed him for all our relationship problems.
None of that made him change. In fact, my mindset and habits made him dig in and remain the same.
And that made me follow suit. My mindset and habits remained the same…or became less likely to improve the relationship.
I expected him to be different even though I knew there was no way for me to make him change. He had to want to change…not just for me or the marriage, but for himself.
The same was true for me. I had to want to change for myself first, as well as for him and the marriage.
Change of Focus
My focus on what I interpreted as his flaws made me more miserable. It also increased my dislike and resentment of how he was showing up. I became increasingly unhappy and certain the marriage needed to end.
Yet, I was unwilling to stop complaining and focusing on my husband’s shortcomings. I was mentally and emotionally rigid, stuck in my mindset and habits. And I didn’t see a reason to change them.
Then, I saw clearly that if I wanted to be happy…or happily married, I had to shift my focus and behavior. I had to be someone different and develop new habits and mindsets.
Take Back My Power
I also realized I had to take back my power. I’d given away all my power to my husband and the circumstances of our marriage. I felt dependent on my husband to “fix” the marriage and make me happy.
As long as I felt powerless in my marriage, I was a victim of it. I gave my power to this circumstance and thought I had no options to alter it.
I had to take my power back and stop feeling as if I couldn’t improve my marriage unless he changed. I could do something about the situation.
While I couldn’t change him, I could change myself.
I could make decisions and take action.
I had the power and the freedom to do these things…even if the changes, decisions, and actions felt uncomfortable.
Time to Grow
So, I decided to change…to “work on myself.” To do that, I joined a personal growth group coaching program.
I listened to my coaches and did the homework. I applied what I learned to my life and marriage. Little by little, I began to change, and then my marriage began to improve.
I started exercising my power and freedom to change myself and my marriage—even if that meant ending it. I made new decisions and acted upon them.
For example, I decided to stop complaining and appreciate my husband instead. And I decided to explore what I would do if I left the marriage so I would have a plan and not be trapped in it.
I also decided to “be” someone who could approach the relationship differently, to be different, and to create different results.
I decided to ask for what I wanted—even if it meant I didn’t get it and chose out of the marriage.
I decided to set boundaries around how my husband treated me. I also decided to love myself enough to insist on being treated respectfully, lovingly, and safely.
These decisions about my identity—who I am and how I show up, my mindset, and my behaviors—changed me. Ultimately, they changed my marriage…and even how my husband showed up in this relationship.
7 Ways to Improve Your Relationship
Pay attention if you can relate to my story—especially the part about wanting your spouse or partner to change. I stopped doing seven things, and my marriage shifted because of these changes.
You can do the same. I can’t guarantee doing so will save your marriage; it did save mine. But these changes are worth a try; if nothing else, you’ll feel better about yourself and feel able to make decisions for your highest good. You’ll grow and stretch and be better off overall.
Here are the seven habits you want to break to improve your relationship—with someone else or yourself:
1. Stop complaining.
Complaining places your attention firmly on what you perceive your partner is doing “wrong.” Your focus is on what you want him or her to change.
As a result, you only see faults. Even if your partner does something “right,” you won’t acknowledge it. Instead, you’ll see more reasons to complain.
Stop complaining. Focus on things you can feel grateful for and your partner’s positive traits. Concentrate on appreciation.
2. Stop blaming.
Always remember that when you point your finger at someone, you’ve got three pointing back at yourself. Everyone, including you, bears some blame for the situation in a relationship.
So stop blaming your partner. Fess up to your part in the failing relationship.
You may be so focused on what your partner is doing wrong that your attitude causes them to feel not good enough. Your desire to be right makes them feel wrong.
That’s a surefire way to push your partner away. And if they back away, it’s not their fault; it’s yours.
Before you blame him or her, look at where you might be causing a problem in the relationship. Then, change that behavior.
Blame is a way to avoid seeing how you need to change or do something in a way that helps you grow and the relationship improve.
3. Stop Focusing on the negative
Your thoughts are creative. If you think negative thoughts, you’ll experience negative things—including relationships.
And your focus on the negative makes you see only the negative. That’s the lens through which you see your partner and the relationship.
Shift to a positive mental perspective on your relationship and partner. Then watch how things change…or how you perceive them differently.
Your partner will notice this shift and stop feeling judged and criticized. That gives him or her the freedom to be more optimistic about you and the relationship.
4. Stop expecting someone else to change.
It’s been said that expectations lead to disappointment. So stop expecting your partner to change.
Instead, focus on yourself. Expect yourself to change. Demand that you change. Commit to changing.
As you change on the inside, you will see the outside world change, including your relationship.
That doesn’t mean your partner will change…and don’t expect that! Focus on your own personal growth. Put all your attention and efforts into your own [transformation[(https://ninaamir.com/inspired-results-coaching/).
5. Stop needing to be right.
It’s easy in a relationship—especially a failing one—to believe you know better or are right. The problem with that mindset is that you make your partner feel wrong.
No one likes feeling wrong or wants to be in a relationship with someone who makes them feel that way. If they stay in that relationship, they become angry, hurt, and resentful.
If you want to improve your relationship, give up the need to be right. Allow yourself to consider…even accept…other people’s perspectives and ways of doing things.
Blame is a way of insisting you are right and not at fault. This attitude will not help you or your partner change or improve the relationship.
6. Stop giving away your power.
If you believe your partner has to change to improve the relationship, or you can only be happy if your relationship improves, you’ve given away your power. You feel like a victim to both your partner and the relationship.
Victims are powerless. So stop being a victim.
Take back your power! Know that, no matter what, you can make decisions and take action. You always have the power…and freedom…to do that.
When you stand in your power, your relationship will change. Why? Because you have changed.
7. Stop being a person who has a lousy relationship.
Your identity determines your habits and mindset. In other words, who you are being impacts your thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors.
For your relationship to improve, you have to adopt a new identity. Specifically, be someone who has good relationships.
Once you have adopted that identity, determine how that person would act and think. Then act and think in that manner.
You can’t expect your partner to be different unless you are different. Choose who you want to be in the relationship, and then be that person.
Focus on Personal Change
If you want to improve your relationship, improve yourself.
Change yourself.
Be someone who can succeed in this life arena.
Even if the relationship doesn’t improve and your partner doesn’t change, you will be in a much better place to deal with that fact. One way or another, your relationships will change because you have changed.
Tell me about your experience, and share this post with someone who might benefit from reading it.
