Do you engage in critical self-talk, unhealthy habits, addictions, or even refusal to go after your dreams? Anytime you engage in behaviors directed at yourself that are counter-productive, hurtful, or even abusive, you punish yourself.
Maybe you tend to punish yourself with negative self-talk. You tell yourself things like: “I’m stupid.” “I’m ugly.” “I’m unlovable.”
Or you engage in counter-productive behavior, such as staying out late drinking with friends before a big interview or work presentation. You realize this will make it hard for you to perform at your best the next day, but you do it anyway.
You might repeat old stories that stop you from taking action toward your goals—and make you feel bad about yourself. For instance, you might tell yourself, “Don’t bother starting that new diet. You have never once stuck to a diet for more than a week. You are doomed to always be overweight. So, don’t bother.” You might even add to this bit of internal dialogue, “You have always been fat. You will always be fat. And no man (or woman) will ever be attracted to you because you are fat.”
Or you cover up your disappointment in yourself by drinking a bottle of wine every night. Rather than making a new effort to succeed, you numb yourself with alcohol and remain stuck. Your mental chatter says, “I will never succeed. Nothing will ever change. So, what does it matter if I drink? Why bother trying.”
Why You Punish Yourself
Why would you punish yourself? Mental health professionals say there are a variety of psychological, emotional, or social reasons. Here are eight of the most common ones.
1. Guilt and Shame
You feel guilty or ashamed of your past mistakes. Or you feel ashamed of yourself and your previous behavior or actions.
Self-punishment becomes a way to “atone” for perceived wrongdoings. You don’t have to admit wrongdoing to anyone but yourself, but you know what you did, and you can punish yourself. You may feel you deserve to suffer because you believe you have caused harm to others or violated your own moral code.
2. Low Self-Esteem
If you suffer from low self-worth or self-esteem, you may feel unworthy of kindness, love, success, or happiness. Even if you receive such things, you push them away, believing you are too inadequate or flawed to accept them. Not allowing yourself to have them is a form of punishment.
Self-punishment becomes a way to reinforce your belief that you don’t deserve good things. It’s a tool used to beat yourself up for who you are, who you have been, and your past failures.
3. Self-Criticism
You may have internalized harsh, critical voices from your past. These inner critics lead to self-punishing thoughts and self-talk because you believe what you were told—that you are inadequate or unacceptable in some way and need to be punished. In this case, self-punishment manifests as negative mental chatter.
You also may feel the need to “prove” you are the flawed person parents, teachers, or coaches said you were. So you repeat the behaviors they disapproved of and then punish yourself for them. Those influential people may no longer be in your life, but you continue punishing yourself anyway.
4. Self-Sabotage
You might engage in behaviors that ensure you avoid success or happiness. Again, you may subconsciously believe you don’t deserve such good things, and your self-sabotaging actions ensure you don’t get them.
Self-sabotage can show up as engaging in behaviors that undermine your progress, success, or well-being. You might do things you know will make it difficult—if not impossible—to achieve your goals.
5. Emotional Regulation
Self-punishment can be a way to deal with overwhelming emotions. If you don’t believe your emotions are valid or shouldn’t be expressed, you penalize yourself in some way for having them.
Self-punishment may serve as a distraction or a way to internalize or lessen the emotional pain you feel. As such, it helps you gain a sense of control over your feelings.
6. Punishing Conditioning
Maybe you were raised in an environment where punishment was frequently used as a method of teaching right from wrong. As a result, you internalized the idea that punishment is a necessary part of making amends or changing behavior.
You now use punishment on yourself. Rather than rewarding good behavior, you punish what you deem bad behavior. You also punish yourself in an attempt to get yourself to change. Yet, both the belief that you must use punishment and the idea of what is right or wrong or needs to change came from your early conditioning, not from what you might believe now.
7. Seeking Control
When life feels chaotic or uncontrollable, self-punishment may give you a sense of control over your circumstances—or at least over yourself. It can serve as an attempt to impose order or structure on your behavior so you feel less out of control in your current situation.
As mentioned in #5, emotional regulation can also be achieved through self-punishment. It serves as a way to control your emotions.
8. Revenge
Sometimes, self-punishment stems from a desire to indirectly punish someone else. You believe punishing yourself will make the other person feel bad, thus punishing them, too.
If you feel hurt by another person, you may tell yourself you are bad, unlovable, or unworthy; such self-talk provides a way to blame and punish yourself for someone else’s actions. Yet, their actions have nothing to do with you…and everything to do with them.
You can Stop Punishing Yourself
When you become conscious of your self-punishing behavior, you can choose to treat yourself differently. For example, you could choose to use rewards rather than punishment to create change. Or you could be kinder and more loving to yourself.
Realize that most of your self-punishing behavior stems from the old stories you tell yourself. You constantly remind yourself that you are somehow flawed. However, these beliefs are merely interpretations of past events. They are not necessarily true.
Start telling yourself a new story. Remind yourself that you are a different person now…or can be. Choose to change who you are being and how you treat yourself.
Forgive Yourself
Give yourself absolution. Forgive yourself. See yourself as inherently good and deserving.
Affirm that you are someone worthy of all the good things in life. Celebrate yourself and your accomplishments, no matter how small.
Shift habitual punishment to habitual reward. Then, notice how you and your life change.
Do you have the habit of punishing yourself? Tell me why in a comment below. And please share this post with those who may benefit from reading it.
Image courtesy of luismolinero.
